60+ Funny Quotes

“My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.” Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” Phyllis Diller

“As you get older, three things happen; the first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” Phyllis Diller

“I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.”Bette Davis

“The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.” Phyllis Diller

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“The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.”Arthur Conan Doyle

“This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”Phyllis Diller

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“Do not remove the kinks from your hair–remove them from your brain.”Marcus Garvey

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” Phyllis Diller

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?… He’s a mile away, and you’ve got his shoes!”Billy Connolly

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“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”Oscar Wilde

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“If your house is a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'” Phyllis Diller

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“There are two kinds of stories, the ones you live and the ones you make up. And nobody knows the difference, and I don’t ever tell which is which.”Ernest Hemingway

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“A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.”Frederick The Great

“You may not be luminous, but you are a conductor of light.”Arthur Conan Doyle

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“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”Alan Dundes

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“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”Dalai Lama

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“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” Phyllis Diller

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“I wanted to end the world, but, I’ll settle for ending yours.”Arthur Conan Doyle

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“I only know one yoga: ‘You Go.'”Meher Baba

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“Home is where the heart is; home is where the fart is. Come let us fart in the home. There is no art in a fart. Still, a fart may not be artless. Let us fart and artless fart in the home.”Ernest Hemingway

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“No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!” Arthur Conan Doyle

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“New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York, you can survive anywhere. But if you can survive anywhere, why live in New York?”Edward Abbey

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“I no longer know If I wish to drown myself in love, vodka or the sea.” Franz Kafka

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“If there’s anyone still present whom I’ve failed to insult……….I apologize.”Edward Abbey

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“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” Phyllis Diller

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“Cuba has the cleanest and most-educated prostitutes in the world.”Fidel Castro

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